WTF Handbag of the Week

I was sent this random trademe auction today, and all I can say is...

New Hoff x Gates Collaboration

The Hoff & Bill Gates finally bring you the long awaited collaboration and follow up to the previous success of Hoff x Vicks, Hoff x Gates! Behold as the mighty Hoff helps you write letters using the mighty Gates! w0000yay! The only problem now is, how can you write letters without getting all sweaty over The Hoff's face!? Shame there was no option to re-unite divided countries...

Big ups to Damon On Your Mum for another prime job

Gawy's Family Photo - The Real Version

Seeing as we photoshop (or paint) Gawy into so many photos, we decided that a real pic of Gawy's family is somewhat overdue. After a brief session convincing Gawy's (rather short) woman-thing of the importance of getting a real pic up on here, I managed to get one and scanned it in. So, I am proud to present...
Gawy's Real Life Family!!!

Oompa Loompa Family Photo 2005

With the upcoming release of the Charlie & The Chocolate Factory remake and Gawy's ongoing obsession with dwarves, it seemed high time to post a happy moment from Gawy's past, also featuring a cameo appearance from the infamous Flying Green Leprachaun...

Gud Speeling Awardes Aprill 2k5

I came across a seller on Trademe this morning and am now feeling suitably "dumbed down" after being subjected to far too many auctions with the world's worst spelling and grammar. Now that my brain is starting to piece itself back together, I felt it necessary to share this retards auctions with the world... I'm highly suspicious that this Trademe seller is in fact Gawy operating covertly.

More cigarette butts

I noticed this last week, but it appears the infamous Used Cigarette Butt auction actually went through. A quick check on the feedback revealed the following:

iron-age (60 )
17 Apr 2005
arsenalboy was the seller(#25229565)
Great trade, and many thanks to Arsenalboy for hand delivering this priceless piece of smoked kiwiana.It will be the central item of my collection.


arsenalboy (18 )
16 Apr 2005
iron-age was the buyer(#25229565)
Transaction successfully completed. Sir, it has been a pleasure dealing with a person of such professionalism and integrity. New Zealand can be proud of you. You are now part of history. All the best for your future.

My final question is this. What the FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?! $7475 for a partially smoked cigarette?! GIVE ME YOUR DAMNED MONEY AND I WILL GIVE YOU A FULL PACK WORTH OF SMOKED CIGARETTES YOU GODDAMNED FREAKS.
Anyways, back to it... ^o^

Goatsecx

A while back the now legendary site goatse.cx was shut down, undoubtedly due to many small children following links on IRC and the like after saying things like "MATRIX DVD HOW TO GET??????" or "HOW DO I DOWNLOAD ROMS?!?!?!?!1111", but in its wake follows a huge selection of tribute sites which have been centralised here. Fans sad at the loss of their favourite asshole may now see it in action on my favourite handheld game console, on George W's face, on the goatse virtual pet, or my personal favourite, goatse.cx Pictionary! With all this goatse.cx, who needs the real thing?!

*_g_o_a_t_s_e_x_*_g_o_a_t_s_e_x_*_g_o_a_t_s_e_x_*_
g_______________________________________________g_ _
o_/_____\_____________\____________/____\_______o_ _
a|_______|_____________\__________|______|______a_ _
t|_______`._____________|_________|_______:_____t_ _
s`________|_____________|________\|_______|_____s_ _
e_\_______|_/_______/__\\\___--___\\_______:____e_ _
x__\______\/____--~~__________~--__|_\_____|____x_ _
*___\______\_-~____________________~-_\____|____*_ _
g____\______\_________.--------.______\|___|____g_ _
o______\_____\______//_________(_(__>__\___|____o_ _
a_______\___.__C____)_________(_(____>__|__/____a_ _
t_______/\_|___C_____)/______\_(_____>__|_/_____t_ _
s______/_/\|___C_____)_[===]_|__(___>___/__\____s_ _
e_____|___(____C_____)\______/__//__/_/_____\___e_ _
x_____|____\__|_____\\_________//_(__/_______|__x_ _
*____|_\____\____)___`----___--'_____________|__*_ _
g____|__\______________\_______/____________/_|_g_ _
o___|______________/____|_____|__\____________|_o_ _
a___|_____________|____/_______\__\___________|_a_ _
t___|__________/_/____|_________|__\___________|t_ _
s___|_________/_/______\__/\___/____|__________|s_ _
e__|_________/_/________|____|_______|_________|e_ _
x__|__________|_________|____|_______|_________|x_ _
*_g_o_a_t_s_e_x_*_g_o_a_t_s_e_x_*_g_o_a_t_s_e_x_*_

Episode III: Revenge of the Amish Calendars

Getting back to the now twice mentioned Amish Calendar competition between myself and Flying Green Leprachaun, it appears I have jumped into the lead somehow. A random check on google today showed me as ranking 9th, and the Flying Green one as being 12th, so we have pretty much swapped positions. Since I am becoming so familiar with the Amish (and their abuse) I was interested to find out why the chose not to use electricity, and was not surprised at the explanation...

In related events I also located this fine example of reality television gone wrong. Amish In The City doesn't seem right - why would any self respecting Amish person want to embrace the evils and temptations of LA?!? Americans freak me out sometimes. Though not as much as Gawy...

Am I paranoid?

FGL posted a link to this great personality disorder online test earlier, and I finally found time to take the test. Here's my results...

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	High
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	Moderate
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Low
Histrionic:	Low
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	Moderate
Dependent:	Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Low

If anything I expected them to get me on the Obsessive Compulsive disorder, given that I have well over 750 games and game consoles... FGL on the other hand appears to have some rather serious problems. But I suppose that he would be a much less interesting person without them.

Eat Mor Chikin

Episode II: Attack of the Amish Calendars

The previously mentioned Amish Calendar competition is now in full swing, both FGL and myself are now appearing in the top twenty google pages using the search term "Amish Calendar" despite him not realising it. Although he currently leads the Amish Calendar race at position 8, I am not far behind at position 12.

Whilst on the Amish quest I also discovered this intriguing website which is well worth a look :D

Oldboy

Yesterday afternoon I went to the Rialto Cinema and saw a crazy Korean movie called Oldboy, which featured some great torture scenes as well as an insight into what it would be like to be locked up in a room for 15 years without knowing why. It was somewhat Quentin Tarantino-esque, the general mood of the movie as well as the bizzare twists reminded me a lot of him. I was relatively impressed by the fight scenes, and nicely detailed torture scenes, this kind of thing seems far more common in asian cinema than american. The movie ended being a "Tale of Vengeance" and I later discovered that director Chanwook Park is making a Vengeance Trilogy of sorts, and this was the second installment. The first was called Sympathy for Mr Vengeance, and also appears to be rather twisted and gory. The next one is apparently filming at the moment. I've not seen any korean films before, I normally stick to Japanese movies, since I'm not a huge fan of reading subtitles. But after seeing this I think I will try and see more :D It was certainly a disturbing experience.

"Used Cigarette Butt"

I forgot to post an update on everyone's favourite cigarette butt earlier, but the auction finally closed yesterday after an insane amount of questions, and an equally insane 139,627 page hits. The final bid was a completely ridiculous $7,475, which this guy hopefully has. I will be keeping an eye on the feedback to see if the trade is actually completed.

Slightly off topic, however Gawy officially sucks for making me get out of bed on time this morning (5:38am) when it was goddamn fucking cold. I don't know how cold it was, but it's Gawy's fault in any case. Also amusing is that Flying Green Leprachaun (aka Mr I Get Up @ 10am) was also sucked into Gawy's evil trap and got up 4 hours earlier than usual.

MDMAって何？？

A japanese friend sent me this fabulous link today, if there are any japanese speakers out there who actually read this blog, then I suggest taking a look. Its very... educational :D Otherwise use Babelfish :D

今日、日本人の友達からこのリンクを教えてもらった。もしも日本語を分かると、必ず読んでネ～！　

Low Ridin' Jeans Dilemma

Gawy has a dilemma. He emailed us advising that he has a problem.

Willis: That guy was in no way SKANKY thank you!!

Money$hot69: With a name that sounds like a gay wrestler, I would have thought that slam would have completely been into it...

FGL: Now that you mention the name...

Gawy: btw, has anyone else had this dilemma.. you just can't get your jeans to hang low enough and you wish you were japanese?GRRRRR

The Hoff - New Product Line

The Hoff is pleased to bring you his colloboration with Vicks, or as Gawy would put it, "Da Hoff x Vicks"

Men's Evening Classes

NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN

ALL ARE WELCOME
OPEN TO MEN ONLY


Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK
OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

LOSS OF VIRILITY
Losing the remote control to your significant other - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while shouting
"It's not there!”, You’ve moved it!” or “We’ve run out!” – Open forum

--------------------------------------------------------------------------


DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role-play

HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU’RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available

Mankini

Gawy appears to have made the news today - he is representing New Zealand in the inaugural "International Mankini 500"

Last Balloon Ever Inhaled

I had this rather distressing news article sent to me this morning. I wasn't aware that people were selling Nitrous Oxide in clubs, even in places like Christchurch. How come they never sold balloons of NOS in clubs I go to?
NOS is more of a "coming down" pasttime in my opinion, and generally isn't something you can do in a club without getting whacked in the back of the head by the barstaff (not speaking from experience or anything).

In other news, it appears that thanks to the NZ Herald and One News coverage, more local retards have found everyone's favourite auction and flooded it with questions :D The poor guy was up past 2am today answering the masses of questions from the great unwashed :D I also got the following answer to mine:

Why didn't you smoke much of the cigarette? Do you smoke regularly, or are you a social smoker? Thanks for your time :) posted by: coldcut666 (113 ) 5:34 pm, Tue 12 Apr

Only smoked part of the cigarette purely for aesthetics - so it looks good in the display cabinet. Not much of a real smoker though. Cheers, A.

Surely that cigarette butt (in reality the cigarette which had been puffed on once and then extinguished because a certain someone was too weak to smoke any more) would have been worth far more had it been smoked by a true hardcore smoker such as myself. In any case, I will ensure that next time they ban something, I get some random business owner to authenticate that I was the last person to have said banned item in their establishment :-/

SPCA

"Dear Agony Aunts,

I’m a 24 year old student who lives in the university hostels. I share a 2 bedroom apartment with another student, a 22 year old gay male. I’m a fairly open minded person, however last night my open mindedness was put to the test. Whilst studying for a mid-semester exam (which I have on Thursday) I was disturbed by squealing and screaming coming from the lounge. After about 10 minutes of it, I went into the lounge to ask them to be quiet – but was not prepared for what I found…

There were 6 people in my lounge room watching animal p0rn. I was subjected to the most appalling images that I fled and spent the rest of the night hiding in my room. No person should ever have to witness a dog being subjected to that filth. But now I’m in difficult position. Do I say anything to my flatmate? He’s a resident advisor who doesn’t pay rent in exhange for being a role model and authority figure to the students (yeah right!). Also, when I was on holiday I came back to find that my computer had been used to view similar sites as to the video.

Oh agony aunts… What do I do?

Animal liberationist "

Gawy: I don't get it - whts the problem?

Last Cigarette Ever Smoked :-/

Although I have a plethora of Gawy-isms that urgently require posting, I was told about this auction whilst feeding the kittens who live in the park opposite my office and couldn't resist blogging it. I also located the corresponding NZ Herald article about it. Malt Bar is a few minutes walk away from my house.

Some of the best parts of the auction itself are the comments & questions, as is usually the case with the "headlining auctions" like the Virgin Mary in Cheese. Here are some favourites:

Wouldn't it be better to buy $7500 worth of ciggies then sell them down your local school for $1.50 each, making a big profit? posted by: allys (2 ) 11:42 am, Tue 12 Apr

I don't sell cigarettes to children. Instead, I create collectable pieces of New Zealand heritage for the future generations of this country to appreciate.

----------------

this auction is silly:)lol posted by: bailey20001 (105 ) 8:26 pm, Mon 11 Apr

On the contrary, this is a very serious auction with some very creditable people bidding and a heck of a lot of people interested in a Kiwiana collectable. So just you stick to selling girlie clothes and baby outfits and let others get on with building the heritage of this great nation by acquiring a piece of history which will last generations. Best wishes, A.

-----------------

Got any dunny reds? Don't like malboro. posted by: allys (2 ) 11:34 am, Tue 12 Apr

Sorry, the last cigarette officially smoked at Malt Restaurant and Bar was a Marlboro before the introduction of the smoke-free legislation on December 10, 2004. Perhaps your local tobacconist may be able to assist with the sale of Dunhill cigarettes. Cheers, A.

Bus Strikes Episode II

Once again this week the pathetic excuse we have for public transport in Auckland had decided to have more bus strikes, but thankfully have now decided to cancel their stupid bus strikes which were to go ahead all week.

Completely off topic, but as a fervent non-rugby fan, I am pleased to announce that I managed to score 29 points in the Virtual Super 12 competition this week, meaning that I managed to sh!t all over so-called experts like Bill & Ben. I'm not sure how I am doing in the work competition, but no doubt I am still losing.

Guilt Trip

Seeing as this post made me feel slightly guilty about not including Gawy in the now classic Japanese Super Hero photoshop, I snapped under the pressure and decided to post it after all. FGL's insidious revenge certainly made the tedious process of cutting the picture in half using MSPaint worthwhile.

Goat People Anonymous

I never did get around to posting why we selected the name Goat People Anonymous for this blog. FGL discovered one of his classic Bizzare Linkages on this page which was the inspiration for the name.



I spent over a year living in Japan but was never fortunate enough to find this soap (or try the poorly translated english version).　Next time I go to Japan, the soap will be near the top of my shopping list.

Amish Calendar

Flying Green Leprachaun and I are having a contest of sorts to see who can get the highest google pagerank for the search term Amish Calendar. I quite like this Amish Calendar and particularly how they have the option of pre-ordering one to ensure you can get it immediately on the release day.

On an unrelated note, I have started another blog about my video game collecting, since it would seem somewhat out of place here. I haven't done much to it yet, but already have 2 new games that I have started reviewing to put on there sometime today.

Free Mammogram

HH

A man was sitting on a beach. He had no arms and no
legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the
poor man.
The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No", so she gave him a hug and walked
on.
The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said "No", so she gave him a kiss and walked
on.
The third woman came to him and said "Have you ever
been fucked?"
The fellow said "No",
She said "You will be when the tide comes in"

!*&%!

I had a fucker of a day today, and to make it worse Gawy had nothing terribly weird to say. I feel like I've been having my period all week and its not getting any better. Even abusing friends constantly and for no reason didn't cheer me up. Gawy barely produced anything worthy of blogging but we did pull out some terrible one-liners...

Gawy:I'm sorry - hopw botu I shout you a bnight at showgirls?

--------------------

flying.green.leprachaun:In related news. (Random Office Nutcase) has lost her 3 remaining marbles…

Willis:did they roll onto the floor?

Gawy:don't trrip on them - ad them to your collection - I'll play you for then

Overload - Episode I

Today Gawy was in complete overdrive - this must have broken some Guiness World Record for the most spelling and grammatical errors in an 8 hour period. It seems his spelling and grammar deteriorate over the course of the day, this morning the engrish was fine, later it was unbearable...

Ferdinand: Who watched that Campbell show last night, the spelling & grammar of our citizens was attacked ;-)
Gawy:Wouldn't watch that idiot if he had lesbian pron on
Ferdinand:I would.
Gawy:Ok I probably would but I wouldn't be happy about it
Ferdinand:Yeah you would…
Gawy:Ok I would but my point is that he is an idiot, did you see friends last night? Wynona vs jennifer KISS
Ferdinand:You took awhile to get to your point. You realize that this is going in the blog right?
Gawy:Had a thought it might…bugga

-------------------

Willis:we are ignoring you and have been sending about one million emails amongst ourselves!!!!
Gawy:B;stards
Willis:yeah, and………..
Gawy:Dwarfs are fun (btw)
Willis:you would know, unlike the rest of us!!!!
Gawy:But you all wanna try it - they are so conveniently sized like a pocket version or travel version

-------------------

The Hoff:In their with the dwarf eh?
Gawy:Go ferdinand - plenty of sex there
Ferdinand:Ewwwwwww. Repeat as required till none of you find this funny. kak
Willis:She is only into Dogs anyway from what I hear!!!!
Gawy:OMG!!!The dwarf and k-9 movie - I think I have seen that!

-------------------

Gawy:I am now in a conumdrim, btw have you ever thoght about the fact that if dwarfs titties were really big they would touch the floor anyway

-------------------

Bus Strike

Today the main bus provider in Auckland went on strike, and lucky people like me who rely on their fine services were stuck without a way of getting to work. Fortunately Gawy was on hand to offer this excellent piece of advice. Where would anyone be without him? And why wasn't Ferdinand around to help make him feel like a complete retard?

Me: I am going to grab a train into town. Haven't quite worked out how the hell I am getting home from there, but I can think about that this afternoon. Any realistic suggestions?
Gawy: UNICYCLE!
Gawy: or how bout balloon winnie the pooh styles
Gawy: i can just see you ballon in one hand jar of honey in the other floating up from downtown up queen street